The Bad Boy .vs. Good Guy Conundrum

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Well, I don’t think this topic will ever completely go away for us so called “nice guys.”

Thankfully, this “beast” has found his “beauty” so this is in my review mirror now but this is for my “sister’s in the Lord” who have expressed this about many of the “church guys” around their circles. This topic probably won’t ever go away because it’s typically the nice guys “whining” about how they’re always being overlooked as a potential partner by women. I’m pretty sure the bad boys aren’t even giving this a second thought or second guessing themselves in their typical, self-centered, possibly narcissistic, “take charge” manner.

Guys, let me just say, if you struggle with this, you DON’T have to change who you are, rather just slightly tweak the way you view things.

There’s a whole other psychology of why a woman tends to date a bad boy but we’ll stick to what we can control here and not go into trying to figure out her “brokenness.” Just accept that we live in a fallen world and as long as there is still sin, often many women will desire the bad boy. For the record, if a woman can’t see your value and worth as a good man then it’s her loss and you can’t take offense for her broken “picker,” but you CAN do something about how you come off to her. Often women date guys out of their brokenness instead of what their heart truly wants and what’s good for them. How often have you heard a woman describe everything she wants in a guy (which seems to describe you well enough) but dates someone different? It happens all the time.

You see, women are programmed to respond to the way you build attraction. For those of us who aren’t 6’4 and don’t look like Ryan Gosling, we’re left to develop our personalities more so to build initial attraction. You can be the best guy for her in the world but unless you’re hitting on her attraction buttons that build chemistry and attraction between you, you’ll most likely always be seen as just a friend.

You have to get the energy flowing and being stable, passive, and good aren’t typically going to be enough to get her very interested. These are GREAT traits and sadly they SHOULD be enough but that’s just not the way life is; again we live in a fallen world. It will be enough once they’ve matured down the line most likely, but you still have to build the chemistry and attraction at first that’s based on romance, flirtation, and pursuing her heart. Keep in mind that women fall in love by what they hear while men fall in love by what they see. Typically, women also find men who are socially accepted and liked by lots of people to be more desirable. It makes them feel more special when you’re desired by others. Ever heard of the “friend check?” Yep.

So, here’s where I used to get so frustrated!! I analytically racked my brain for years trying to understand why I kept getting overlooked as a good, nice guy in certain periods of my life by women I desired to date. It’s like I wanted to change this nice guy concept so all would be right in the world instead of just adapting and accepting it as “it is what it is” and I can’t change it, so I guess I’ll have to change my approach to it. (By the way, if you need help with adapting to this notion in your life, read the short book called, “Who Moved My Cheese.” It helps you focus on what you can and cannot control and how to stop wasting time focusing on the wrong thing. It’s a “must-read!”)

So, let’s study the bad boy parts that make a woman attracted to him…

Instead of focusing on how arrogant, selfish, narcissistic, unrefined, ungodly, and unfaithful these bad boys are that keep stealing potential suitors away from you, try and understand what makes them so attractive to women.

Let’s dive in…

#1. These guys go after what they want and they’re not afraid of rejection, tests, inconveniencing or upsetting her. They’re on their own mission and march to the beat of their own drum. They aren’t afraid to approach the women and express interest. They’re reserved enough to not come on too strong and aloof enough to keep her guessing and interested. Keep in mind, they don’t give her everything she wants when she asks and in so doing that they remain somewhat of a mystery to her and keep her coming back for more. They set the rules and don’t follow her lead like a puppy dog. Beautiful women tend to be in the driver’s seat naturally and there’s usually no shortage of men vying for their attention so one has to learn to turn the tables in favor of you instead of all the easy, desperate men out there hoping to catch her eye.

  • Seriously though, as a social experiment sometime, walk behind a group of pretty women or a single woman for a few minutes on a busy day at the mall (don’t be creepy) and watch men’s eyes as they walk by her. You can almost feel the weakness of the men hoping to catch her eye. You’ll see what a typical day is like in the life of a beautiful woman and understand how you have to set yourself apart. Attention and options are abundant for them so you’re going to have to fish differently to catch her eye by making her feel something for you.

(#1. continued): So back to turning the tables and making them come after you. By creating a fun challenge and showing you’re not desperate for their attention but strong enough to flirt and go after what you want, it creates attraction and chemistry for her. You literally can switch rolls and when she feels attraction, she’ll swoon over you. A fair warning, if you do this properly, a beautiful women can become very aggressive and even seductive (or easy) to get what she wants. Usually, the men are the ones falling all over her! You literally see her become the hunter and it puts you in control. Tread carefully, man of God!

So why is this the case?

#2. Well, that leads into my next point that a woman is attracted to wanting adventure and being swept away by a” knight in shining armor.” Plain and simple, nice guys tend to play it scared and don’t get her engine roaring because they play it too safe. They’re often passive and just thankful she even gives them the time of day. They turn into puppy dogs. You see, the bad boys convey the confidence of a knight and provide an adventure to take her on. Insert motorcycle here…

You see both of these points are transferable to a good guy without the bad boy habits.

#3. You can be the confident “adventurer” who knows where he’s going and back it up with the stability of a good guy unlike the bad boy. Think of it as not changing who you are but rather fishing with different bate to go after what you want out of life. I’ll say it again; you have to give yourself permission to go after what you truly want in life. A woman wants to join a man who knows who he is, goes after what he wants, is pursuing a greater calling with his life, and who can provide safety and stability for her in the future. She doesn’t want to be the adventure either; she wants to be taken on the adventure. Typically bad boys get her hooked on the line and then their lack of maturity and character that keep a woman in their lives comes to the surface and it becomes dead in the water. Sadly, it’s too often after she’s given herself to him sexually.

So in wrapping this up, instead of focusing on the bad boy’s bad traits, try to incorporate the things a woman is naturally attracted to in a bad boy. Keep in mind that attraction is not a choice. You too can activate this in a woman and still be a good, nice guy. Sales 101, people buy out of emotion, not facts. It’s only the facts that back up the feelings and make it a better deal. You as a good, stable, high character guy actually have more to offer her in the long run but first you MUST develop your fishing approach.

“For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.” – 2 Timothy 1:7 (NIV)

  1. Edgy Confidence – Going after what you want in life (approaching her, being unaffected by her tests that she’s naturally programmed to throw at you to see if you can stand up to them and to see if you’re a legit MAN.) – By the way, if she’s testing you, it’s a good sign, just don’t buckle under the pressure and remain unaffected by it, treating it as almost “cute.” Also by flirting, teasing, and adding humor = it builds chemistry and attraction in her.
  2. Taking Her on an Adventure – Being on your own life adventure and having direction in your life where she can jump on the back of your horse and be apart of will make you super attractive. Women want a man who knows where he’s going and is self-assured. We can find this confidence and self-assurance in God. If you don’t have this then you will tend to make her the adventure and that typically won’t last. Do yourself a favor and first figure out where you want to go in life and then pursue a woman to join you. First things, first, you’ll be able to give her more and a better version of yourself by doing this. Isn’t that noble after all?

    “Put away from thee a froward mouth, and perverse lips put far from thee. Let thine eyes look right on, and let thine eyelids look straight before thee. Ponder the path of thy feet, and let all thy ways be established. Turn not to the right hand nor to the left: remove thy foot from evil.” – Proverbs 4:25-27

  3. Not Being So Agreeable/Easy – Having your own set of opinions and viewpoints and not scared to upset her or rock the boat is huge. Not giving her exactly what she asks for but keeping her on her toes by being a mystery and keeping her guessing, at least in the early stages of the courtship can rope her in. If she knows everything about you up front, you steal the mystery away from her and the excitement of getting to know you. Build it slowly…
  4. Wrapping It Up – You “sell” yourself to her and make her feel attraction to you by getting her to “feel” by doing these things mentioned above. Confidence, flirting, and humor will go a long way in sparking her chemistry button with you. By the way, chemistry is just another word for sexual attraction. It’s the way God made us and it’s ok, but it must be dealt with carefully according to His design. Remember, we’re called to protect our sisters in Christ, not use them for our selfish desires. 

    “Rebuke not an elder, but intreat him as a father; and the younger men as brethren;he elder women as mothers; the younger as sisters, with all purity.” – 1 Timothy 5:1-2

     They all are God’s daughters even if they haven’t accepted Him and you cannot be a stumbling block to keep them lost in their sin. Also, don’t be afraid of your sexuality because if you are, you’ll come off as “off.” It’s ok to be a man with hormones! It’s natural! But it’s important to develop self-control! 
    So in closing, by getting her to feel attraction for you out of her emotional response, you will convince her and then your positive, good qualities have a good chance of keeping her around. This is sadly why they call it the “dating game” because it’s all in your approach. Just like fishing, if the big bass aren’t biting the bate you’re using (no matter how good it may be for them), you have to change it up. Same applies here to your approach.

Get her to feel = win her heart. 

Sincerely, with All of God’s Love for You,

Jeremy D. Pestor





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